Breakdowns

Looking at it today, it seems so irrational, but when you are stuck in the middle of a breakdown, you have no idea of how starved your brain is. 

After eating literally NOTHING for a week, it is completely normal for you to become constipated, so it is only natural when you eat even the minimal calories (25) one day, you will bloat. The thing is when i get sucked into the rapid negative thinking, you don't think logic, you just sit on the floor crying and rocking and punching yourself, just screaming-yelling, anything to get your concave stomach back. 

When your in this state anorexia has completely taken over. She creeps in and tells you, the toilet is right beside you, she nudges you to kneel over and shove two magic fingers down your throat. You cough, splutter and gag, tears burning your eyes, you repeat and repeat until only water and blood is coming out. Nothing has been picked, because nothing was in your stomach to start with. You are just oblivious to this. you thing you have eaten the whole world for all you know better, you did.

Your parents hear your screams and burst in, clutching their hearts, thinking the worst, thinking that the night has taken you over for good. 

This is the truth, no sugar coating. Anorexia is deadly,  it is much deeper than the cliche of 'THIN'. I have been told by so many, i am selfish, Anorexia is pathetic, JUST EAT.

But i am drowning in my own sea, i would gladly reach out to a life boat, but the thing is its my sea, and the lifeboat doesn't exist.

Stress

Exam week.

If my life wasn't stressful enough, if the pressure to thrive for perfection hadn't already captivated my soul, then the added pressure of being at my A game is certainly not needed.

The thing is with anorexia ruling your every thought, action and pre action, your mind becomes foggy. 

You can't concentrate on a simple task. When you are living on such a tight number of calories, naturally your body will use them up on keeping your organs functioning, leaving you with a brain that doesn't wish to do what you are forcing it to do .... study. The most irritating part is that most of us are smart, we know the consequences that occur on our constant strive for bones, we know that we are slowly killing ourselves, and we know that the only way to survive is by eating something nutritious every couple of hours. Notice that I said nutritious not calorific, that is because you can be healthy and survive, it is not necessary to have a fat full life. That being said, that is rather hypocritical of me as I could never push myself to live a healthy life. I am selfish, I like begin sick, I like being weak.  My Anorexia is a cry for attention, I was always invisible. 

I shouldn't be saying all of this, because this is me procrastinating right now. I need to stop and get back to the main task, studying.

But let me leave you all with this. 

The real deal on anorexia is that , it is not a simple pretty little thing. it is not a case where you can starve and yet still do all the normal things in life. NO. that is wrong. your life will transform and be wrapped around calories and food. You loose your social life, your academic life. You'll spend most of your time in and out of hospital with doctors appointments because your heart is giving up on you, cardiomyopathy, bradycardia. You end up driving yourself insane that you get angry , mad you throw things, you break things, you cry and cry and rock yourself for comfort like an insane person. you cut yourself so that you can feel something 

ALL this PRO ANA is bullish*t. Anorexia shouldn't be glamourised. It should be told for what it really is.