After eating literally NOTHING for a week, it is completely normal for you to become constipated, so it is only natural when you eat even the minimal calories (25) one day, you will bloat. The thing is when i get sucked into the rapid negative thinking, you don't think logic, you just sit on the floor crying and rocking and punching yourself, just screaming-yelling, anything to get your concave stomach back.
When your in this state anorexia has completely taken over. She creeps in and tells you, the toilet is right beside you, she nudges you to kneel over and shove two magic fingers down your throat. You cough, splutter and gag, tears burning your eyes, you repeat and repeat until only water and blood is coming out. Nothing has been picked, because nothing was in your stomach to start with. You are just oblivious to this. you thing you have eaten the whole world for all you know better, you did.
Your parents hear your screams and burst in, clutching their hearts, thinking the worst, thinking that the night has taken you over for good.
This is the truth, no sugar coating. Anorexia is deadly, it is much deeper than the cliche of 'THIN'. I have been told by so many, i am selfish, Anorexia is pathetic, JUST EAT.
But i am drowning in my own sea, i would gladly reach out to a life boat, but the thing is its my sea, and the lifeboat doesn't exist.
There are life boats all around if you would only look for them. Talk to someone\anyone you trust. You are adrift in a hostile sea' Don't give in and go under. Consider yourself a mermaid - you still have lungs and breath air. Do not sink in the ocean and expect to grow gills. Strike out for shore in anyway you can - eat 2 peanuts a day, one sip of skim milk, veggies! Nature's gift to calorie haters; you can even use fat free yogurts as dip.
ReplyDeleteStay in contact with the surface of your sea long enough to take a breath occasionally. I can't promise a fairy godmother, but if you keep your head above water long enough and really want to, you can get your "land legs" back!
I am not a doctor, shrink or social worker, but I can tell you that you ARE NOT your disease! You are NOT Anorexia! She is the bitch who has stolen your identity and made it her own. She has many identities; how many women DOES she own? There are stats, but no one really knows!
Who is SHE to you? Your MASTER? Who you serve to the death? Who are you to HER? Just one more...............well that one just died........oh well............. there is a really pretty 11 year old in Chicago who is already worried about her weight and thinking about dieting..............come child, I will show you what dieting REALLY means!
You called Anorexia pathetic and that is very accurate! Kick the bitch in the face and reach out for life!
Sherry